Open Door Healing

Yesterday was a day. Today I am hoping to take it easy. Yes, I still have the chores to do, but I don’t see me adding anything on. My step-brother, Rick, texted me at 4:15 am yesterday morning. His nephew, Marc, had passed. Rick lives in Maryland, and was heading down to Mississippi where Marc lived to take care of the funeral arrangements. Rick’s sister Karen, died 6 years ago, and Marc’s father died 4 years ago, and Marc’s sister, well, let’s just say she is not capable of getting much done. My step-father’s family grave plots are in Mississippi. Marc will be buried next to my step-brother, Andy, who passed 2 years ago.

Rick has wanted a “brother/sister” relationship with me the last couple of years. We didn’t share upbringings. By the time my step-father, his father, came into my family, Rick was in High School, living in Mississippi and we lived in California. Rick did come out one summer when I was in 4th grade, but I didn’t really know him. And our adult lives have been lived seperately also, seeing him maybe once every couple of years when he would come to visit my step-father and mom. I have been resisting the relationship. I don’t want to be brother and sister with him. I had my own brother with whom I shared a life with. My brother passed away 3 years ago. Yesterday it hit me how parellel our lives are. Both having father abandonment issues, his with my step-father divorcing his mother and marrying my mom. My mom divorced my biological father, Lynn, when I was 5 and moved us from Michigan to California. Lynn signed over all parental rights and once we moved out of state, his family wanted nothing to do with us. Lynn’s family always blamed my mom for his problems, her getting pregnant and all, like he had nothing to do with it. Ah, small town politics. I never had a chance to reconcile with Lynn as he died in 1980 when I was a senior in High School. Had he not died, would I have pursued something? I don’t know. The only memory I have of him is the last day I saw him, in the parking lot of the courthouse, and I remembering crying because I didn’t want to leave him. Rick’s mom died about 15/20 years ago, I really don’t remember. We’ve both lost all of our Aunts and Uncles. It’s just us, holding down the fort for the family that is left. I am here with mom and my step-father, dealing with their Alzheimer’s journeys, and he is busy with his 4 kids, 9 grandkids and the family left in Mississippi.

And I am not saying now that I see how parallel our lives our, I am going to welcome the relationship he wants with open arms, I am understanding it more. With understanding, comes compassion, and release. My step-brother Andy once said how lucky my brother, Alynn and I were to have our step-father with us. I would laugh and said, “No, you were the lucky one.” Andy got to do whatever he wanted. My stepfather being an Naval officer, ruled our house like he ruled his ships. Control was his middle name, lest his children do something “bad” and he would be seen in a bad light. It all revolved around him. Can you tell I still have some unresolved issues there? Working on it. I am the one stuck with the POA, MPOA, the one responsible for making sure his bills are paid etc. Why? Because I am the only one left? I am the honorable one? Questions to ponder. But not today. Today I am letting myself off of the hook, relaxing as much as possible and enjoying just “being”. Blessings.