Open Door Healing

This FB memory came up from 11 years ago:

“This morning I was having my cup of coffee on the front porch as usual with Jasmine, and Jim came out to sit with us. Jasmine wasn’t amused with the interruption of our private time and started to walk away. Jim, commenting to her said, “Trying to escape?” and I answered, “Always.” He wasn’t amused. lol.

What was I trying to escape? Well, at that time, menopause, a job I hated, a relationship that was a little rocky, hot Texas weather. I made it through menopause, quit the job I hated and the relationship did smooth out, as we are going to celebrate our 43rd weddig anniversary in September. And Texas? I’m still here. I’ve been trying to move to Colorado for the last 14 years, and lately have included Montana in that mix. Beautiful mountains, cleaner air, cooler, less humidity and less people, especially in Montana. Hubby tells me I can’t move until my mom passes. But at this point, I don’t know if I could now. My daughter, son in law and my two grandchildren live 10 minutes from my house, my son lives 40 minutes and comes every other weekend to help out with stuff and such.

I try to imagine what life would be in Montana. It would be harder, or so I think. If you are not living in town, there is wildlife such as bears, wolves and coyotes to worry about. The deer are much bigger there and I couldn’t have my flowers I love so much, plus the winters are pretty harsh. I like snow, and I like the cold, I just don’t know if I like 23 inches and 5 below. It is nice to have dreams, but as I think about it, I live a pretty blessed life here. I know I’ve written lately about my struggles with my mom’s disease and how we are both coping or not. Others have to go through much more to “learn” their lessons, or as I like to think of it, become whole again. And that is not to dismiss what I am going through. There is that saying out there, “You are only given what you can handle.” I’d like to handle a little less please. I am making small changes in how involved I am in my mother’s life. I have to accept the choices she made, honor them, and just be there when called upon. I almost feel like I am going through the empty nester syndrome, like when my daughter moved from Texas to Boston, and then two weeks later, my assistant at work who I loved as a daughter moved to Nashville. Time to stand on my own two feet again. A thought just crossed my mind that maybe I was using those relationships and my mother’s as crutches or excuses for not living my best life. Time to put the crutches down. From this moment on, I choose to life my best life, whatever that may be. Blessings.