Open Door Healing

I had a Substack reader comment on the heart I had painted on my 24hourpaintjam canvas. She wrote – “I love the shape of your hearts! This heart and the heart in the previous piece. I am always trying to create a perfect heart; your work has inspired me!” What a beautiful statement! I answered her that years ago my daughter and I went to a Painting with a Twist class that was a heart. My daughter’s was absolutely perfect, she can do that. I cannot draw a straight line with a ruler. I had posted our artwork on my Facebook page, and someone commented, “What happened to your heart?” At first I was little offended, ok a lot, but then I thought about it. I am a mother and my heart has been stretched it seems at times beyond its limit. And it is happening again, with the Alzeheimer’s journey I am on with my mother. My mother was always little Miss perfect, or at least she tried to be. Looked prim and proper all the time, worried about other people’s thoughts towards her, she still struggles with this one at 83, you know the drill. Of course I tried to follow suit, but she was much prettier than me, very slim, and onto the lastest fashions. I took after my father’s side of the family, a little bit bigger boned. She used to tell me when I was in junior high I was fat, I was not. I was just not as skinny as her. Oh, I got skinny in high school and my 20’s by doing every diet fad there was. But it didn’t matter how skinny I got, it was not skinny enough for her. I was in really good shape at 26 and then conceived my first child, gained 60 pounds, it took me a year and half to remove that weight and just when I was feeling skinny again, I conceived my second child. Well, that is when my body put two and two together with the belief that if I got skinny again, I would have another child, and that wasn’t happening! Don’t get me wrong, I love my children and dove 100% into motherhood, I just didn’t want more than two. I know my limits! I kept at a pretty moderate weight until I was mid 40’s then menopause started its beautiful journey. I struggle between wanting my old body, which at 64 is not ever happening again, and enjoying my wine and foods I love. And other things have taken priority in my life. At one time I was exercising six hours a day and barely eating. Not a good plan for health. These days I would rather write, paint, garden, spend time with my animals and family. What does this have to with an imperfect heart? Everything really. It has taken me a long time to not care about what other’s think, at least to the extent that I do not need their approval to move on with life. My ego does love the feedback I receive on my art and photos, it feels good to be seen, but they are seeing me for me, not a preconceived idea of what I should be. That is what WordPress and Substack does for me. Complete strangers accepting me for who I am, and not what I am supposed to be. I think we are all in the same boat, wanting to be accepted for who we are, imperfections and all.