Open Door Healing

I don’t usually write two posts in one day, heck, lately I don’t seem to write everyday, but I need to write right now. I just received an email from my mother’s auto insurance company that her new cards were ready to print. As I was printing them, I noticed the renewal date was August 28th, and that is when the tears started. I think I’ve written about this before, I can’t remember at the moment, but several years ago my mother told me she was going to die on August 1st. She didn’t know what year, but that it was marked for her. And why did she think this? My Aunt Margie died 9 years ago on July 18th, my Aunt Janet died 15 years ago on July 25th, and my Uncle Alex died 7 years ago on August 8th, leaving the date of August 1st for my mom. When she first told me several years ago, I think it was May and so I spent every Sunday with her until after August 1st, just in case she did die. As I said, it has been several years since she told me, and every year that she does not pass on August 1st, I get a little more relaxed. This year her health has really gotten a lot worse, along with her mind slowly giving in to Alzheimer’s, her body is disentegrating too. I’ve noticed in the last couple of weeks a big change in her mentally and physically. She is sleeping a lot more, and she is not getting things done. A couple of weeks ago she asked me to go through her laundry closet because she needed more room for “stuff”. What stuff I don’t know, she is pack rat and she is constantly moving things from drawer to drawer etc. We did clean out her laundry closet, a lot of it was things she had brought from the duplex when she moved two years ago, we didn’t know what her new life in assisted living would be so she brought a lot of things, such as cleaning supplies, laundry detergent etc. Houskeeping cleans her apartment everyday and does her laundry every Tuesday. We also went through her kitchen cabinents. She had a lot of plastic items, such as all the little plastic cups they give her pills in everyday, empty Starbucks cup, washed of course, lids that didn’t fit anything, I was able to take two shopping carts full of stuff home for trash or Goodwill. She also asked for her wine glasses back, she has four right now, but in case she entertains. I don’t resist her anymore. She lives in a different world now, and I am only privy to some of it. I don’t know if her going through her stuff is a sign of her letting go. It is not like her to do that, to let go of anything. So, the fear is creeping in. I’ve been ignoring it. But the insurance cards brought it front page. There is nothing I can do about it, if it happens, and it will sooner or later. I do not want her to die, but I also do not want her to be reduced to what my stepdad is now, who is in healthcare with Alzheimer’s and doesn’t recognize me most days and is basically living a life of a cat, sleeping 18 plus hours a day. I don’t know if I can watch that happen to her. It is a Catch 22. I don’t want her to die, but I don’t want to see her suffer, I will either way. Ah, life. I’m heading to meditation now and maybe that will help quell this fear, but I also know until August 1st passes, it will linger. Blessings.