Open Door Healing

Yesterday I crushed 14 packages of Ritz crackers for my mother. She likes to feed the crumbs to the birds on her balcony. I have bought her bird food, and told her feeding them Ritz is probably not healthy for them with all the additives in them, she continued to do so, and she was breaking them up with a napkin and spoon. I was not in a good mood as I did it and had to stop and ask myself why. It was just crushing Ritz crackers. What if this was the last thing I ever did for her? I know that sounds kind of morbid to think that way, but it is how my brain is working these days. As I’ve written before, I’ve had 2 relatives die unexpectedly in their sleep, one die a slow agonizing death from cancer, and currently an aunt who is in hospice from a brain surgery that they were hoping would help with a tumor but she has not woken up since the surgery 2 weeks ago, and according to the doctors, the brainstem is still swollen and under pressure and there is no measurable awareness or wakefulness. So, I do understand how my mind goes. If crushing Ritz crackers brings a little ease and happiness when the birds eat them, to my mom’s life, well, then, that is what I will do.